


The Cabin

by oooknuk



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 20:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10749531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oooknuk/pseuds/oooknuk
Summary: Fraser's cabin gives Ray a refuge, but becomes a home





	The Cabin

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters you recognise will belong to Alliance. No infringement of copyright intended. Not for profit. 
> 
> Warnings: violence, rape, language 
> 
> Note: This takes place post 'Call of the Wild'. My thanks for Beth H and Barb G for sterling beta, and any liberties taken with the real facts of life in the Territories are despite their clear advice. 
> 
> One factual liberty of note - one has to be a resident of the Northwest Territories for two years before one can hunt big game. Bad Ray. Bad Fraser. So, an AUish tinge at one point.

"You sure everything's on the list?"

I sighed. "Yes, Ray. I have done this before, you know."

"Well, I haven't, so humour me here."

I was beginning to regret the decision to let Ray make this run to Tulita on his own. We'd done it together twice, he'd made runs nearly as long as this on his own before and I knew he could handle the sled and the dogs perfectly well, but he was so jittery that he was making me worried despite myself. The only answer was to get him on his way, and for me to get on with the winter repairs and checking that needed doing.

My confidence returned as I watched him load the sled and harness the dogs. Ray had a wonderful way with animals, even more than I did, and the dogs obeyed him well. I'd insisted he take Dief although he had argued that I needed him here. "Ray, Dief will act as a second man - he'll keep the dogs manageable. Everything will be easier - you do have a four day trip ahead of you."

"You keep reminding me of that, Fraser, and I'll just make you come along."

"Are you sure...?"

He put a gloved hand up. "Do not do this, Fraser. We decided - I'm going. You sure everything's on the list?"

"Yes, Ray."

I watched him sled off with grace and a good speed. He could do this, and easily, I knew. We'd been here for six months and he'd worked hard, learned fast. He'd fit right in - amazing for someone who once said leaving the city gave him a rash. He'd even begun to pick up a hint of an accent - although to me, of course, it sounded as if his natural twang had been modulated somewhat. All in all, he couldn't have slipped more readily into the life up here if he had been here six years instead of six months.

I wasted no time on starting the repairs. I have to admit I relished the solitude just a little, not that Ray was demanding company, or particularly noisy. It was just I'd spent most of my life alone - even without Diefenbaker who was a relatively recent addition - and I missed the opportunity to think, to go over things in detail in my mind, to talk out loud when I needed to, without causing someone concern that I was ill or that I had a hole in my bag of marbles. The weather forecast was extremely good for the coming week - another reason that I was quite sanguine about Ray undertaking the run for supplies on his own - and I wanted to go over the roof carefully and check the insulation and the tiles. There were some improvements I wanted to effect to the plumbing, the dog shed needed some work, and I certainly had enough to keep me occupied until Ray returned.

When it got too dark to work of an evening, I cooked more elaborately than I usually did for the two of us. Ray enjoyed cooking - often cooked game he'd caught himself. Cooking was just a necessity for me, but I could use simple chores like that as a way of concentrating on a problem. And as Ray had made rude comments about my recipes on numerous occasions, I wanted to experiment without an audience. I have to admit I found the evenings somewhat empty without his conversation, but I turned in early, ready to start the working day fresh.

On day four, around eleven o'clock, I heard barking - it was Dief, alone and wounded. I quickly examined him - there was a nasty gouge out of his rump, and despite the anxiety his frantic demeanor was doing nothing to decrease, I took the time to quickly clean it and ensure he was not otherwise injured. Then I put on a light pack, got out my skis and followed him as fast as I could. Five kilometres on I found our team and the sled overturned, tangled around a tree. Remarkably, the dogs had not fought together too badly. The sled appeared undamaged - I righted the whole thing, and set off behind Dief. There was no sign of Ray or our supplies - by the way Dief was acting, I knew I had good reason to be worried.

I came across Ray in another hour, curled up in the snow, unconscious. As I turned him over, I hissed in shock at the sight - someone had beaten him badly and his face was just one enormous bruise. He groaned in pain as I lifted him onto the sled but when I called his name, he was out again. We were too far from Tulita - the only option was to get him back to my cabin. I hastily carried him inside and laid him on his bed before freeing the dogs and putting them in the shed with their food. The dogs were our lifeline - if Ray needed hospitalisation, they were our only way of getting him there.

I went back into the bedroom and found he had wakened slightly and was moaning. I spoke to him soothingly as I stripped off his coat and shoes. He didn't seem to hear me but my touch bothered him and he moved away from it feebly. Taking his coat off revealed his shirt was covered in blood - from the cuts on his face and the nose bleed which had left his chin and neck encrusted with gore. But these were minor injuries and I needed to check him properly.

I delayed yet further while I stoked the stove - I was going to have to take his clothes off and he was already chilled badly, although that he was shivering was a good sign. I covered his legs with a blanket then eased the shirts off him. He was wearing one of my Henleys so I first checked through the material if there were any obvious broken bones. He moaned a little at the pressure on his ribs and when I pushed the Henley up, I could see why. His torso was heavily bruised - fist and boot marks were clear on his pale skin. He jerked and groaned when I carefully rolled him to see his back - the same thing applied. I pulled the shirt down - I had some salve I could put on the bruises and his ribs were either cracked or badly enough bruised to need strapping but I had to made sure there was nothing else wrong. The kidney area was badly bruised - but as he wasn't shocky I had to assume there was no internal bleeding.

Now for his legs. I moved the blanket over his chest, then undid his belt and fly and tugged the jeans off. Strange - he wasn't wearing underwear. Then I looked at the trousers in my hand, and wanted to be ill - there was blood inside on the seat. I looked at his thighs. Bruised. When I rolled him again, the evidence was clear - bleeding, bruising on the buttocks and finger marks from the grip on his hips. He had been raped - no doubt about it. I covered him again with the blanket while I thought for a moment. His face was twisted in a grimace - he was in pain even though he was still mostly unconscious, but he was coming ever closer to the surface of awareness. The only way to deal with this was to treat it like any other injury - and the sooner I did so before he woke, the better. I fetched our fortunately well-supplied first aid kit, a bowl of hot water and some cloths and cleaned him off, being thankful he was still unconscious. Now the part I was dreading, even though I had been trained. I put a surgical glove on and applied some antiseptic cream, then carefully checked him. He may well have needed stitches, but that was beyond my skill - all I had was the cream which I hoped would help him heal. Before I attended to his other injuries, I had to get some underwear on him - when he woke, he was going to be in bad enough shape without being forced to lie naked in front of me.

As I was slipping the clean boxers on him, he woke quite suddenly. He grunted with pain as I moved him. I quickly finished and covered him with two blankets.

"Ray? How are you?"

"Hurts... hurts bad," he whispered.

"Where?"

"Everywhere."

He closed his eyes again. We had morphine in the kit but that seemed a bit extreme. I got him some water and some aspirin.

"Ray. Ray. Here, take these."

He obediently put the pills in his mouth but as soon as he sipped the water he began to vomit. There was nothing coming up but bile, but the heaving hurt him, causing tears of pure pain to run down his face. I wiped up the mess - I would have to get him in a clean shirt as well. The tears continued to trickle down.

"What's wrong? Do you feel sick?"

He nodded, eyes still closed. I was worried - did he have an infection? I felt his forehead, seeing him flinch as I did so - his temperature seemed, if anything, on the cool side.

"I'm going to take your shirt off...."

"No...don't ... I don't want you to touch me..."

"Ray, you're badly hurt. You need my help. I know ... what happened." He turned his head away - I'm sure he would have rolled away if he wasn't in such pain. "Please, don't be afraid of me... I just want to put some salve on your bruises and cuts and get you warmly dressed. No one will hurt you here."

He opened his eyes, the blue barely visible through the swelling black bruising. His look spoke of pain, of shame - of fear. But finally he nodded and let me draw the Henley off. I was as business like as I could be about applying the ointment but his face, his whole body in fact, was rigid by the time I finished. He pulled the blankets over himself as soon as I was done, clutching them tight. I found a soft shirt which I thought he could sleep in and put it beside him. "I'm going to heat you some soup - why don't you put this on and I'll come back." I left the medical kit where it was and gave him his privacy.

We had some tinned tomato soup so I boiled it up, poured some into a mug and brought it, another dose of aspirin and a glass of water in for him. He was dressed and sitting up when I came back in. "You want to try this again?"

He reached for the water first and just as before the first sips made him retch. I took the glass from him and set the food and pills down on the nightstand. I had a horrible suspicion why he was nauseous - it might have just been pain but somehow I suspected not. "Ray - did they force you to ... you know ...?"

He looked as if I had struck him and then he started to heave again over and over while I cursed myself for my stupidity. He was in no state ... I wanted to hold him until he stopped but he pulled away from me. This was dangerous - he needed fluids, he needed to eat - I had no idea how long he had been lying out there in the snow. I waited until he stopped and he was lying back exhausted. I got a cloth and wiped his mouth and chest for him. "I know it's difficult - but would it help to talk to me?"

"Go away, Fraser," he said clearly but softly. "Just leave me alone."

I stood and collected the medical gear. "All right, I will - for now. The soup is there, and so is the aspirin. You have to try and drink, Ray - it's important. And I'll need to check you again in a couple of hours. But get some sleep if you can."

He shut his eyes in clear dismissal. I left him in peace.

I had to report the assault, no question, but until I got some details from Ray as to what happened I would have to wait. There were two more pressing problems - Ray's medical condition, and replacing the supplies and equipment which I had to assume were stolen and lost for good.

I left him for several hours, just looking in a couple of times, and had supper but eventually it was time I was also getting to bed. I was unsure what was best - normally I slept on one of the twin beds, and while it would do me no harm at all to sleep on a bedroll in the living room, I also wanted to keep an eye on him. When I went back into the bedroom, I found he had slumped awkwardly. The soup was gone, but the pills and the water were not - at least that gave me a clue that strong flavours were likely to be more palatable than insipid. I sat on his bed and his eyes opened again - he hadn't been asleep at all.

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit," he croaked.

"Do you mind if I sleep in here tonight?"

He lay silent for a while. "No - but don't touch me."

"I won't. Do you want anything? If I made some tea, could you swallow the aspirin?"

He looked nauseated at the idea. "Leave it, Fraser. It's not worth it - throwing up hurts worse than not taking the pills." I nodded and went to get up. "Wait - you ... you cleaned me... you saw."

"Yes. You were bleeding - you still are. I needed to put some antibiotic cream on the tears."

His hand gripped my wrist hard enough to hurt. "Promise me you won't touch me like that again - that no one will."

"I promise - unless it becomes unavoidable."

"No - not even then, Fraser. No one." His voice was shaking with strain.

"I promise then. No exceptions. You can apply the ointment yourself." He let my arm go and I stood. "Ray ... I'm sorry, I was trying to help."

"I know. Just ... not again."

I nodded again. "Why don't you get comfortable, get some sleep. Wake me if you need anything."

He closed his eyes and lay flat. I put extra covers on him, wishing I had given in to earlier thoughts of acquiring a hot water bottle. He didn't seem too badly hypothermic - I thought he probably hadn't lain in the snow for that long, maybe a couple of hours. Thank god the weather had held.

I got into bed, but sleep didn't come. What had happened to Ray was a violation I hardly dared think about. I had myself been badly beaten on a number of occasions, and knew that in itself such an attack has a terrible effect on one's morale and self-image. But rape ... I didn't really know what to do for him. Of course we received training in the RCMP about male rape, but the emphasis was on the victim getting counselling. In Tulita there wasn't even a full-time doctor, let alone a counsellor. Perhaps Ray would need to return to Chicago - if he did, I knew I would have to go back with him. I couldn't leave a friend like him to cope on his own.

Finally I must have dropped off because I was woken by a hoarse scream. Ray. I lit the lantern and went to his side. I put my hand on his shoulder but he moved back suddenly then moaned at the pain from the movement. He was only half-awake, still in the grip of terror. I used my voice to reach him, calling his name over and over.

"Fraser... oh fuck." His eyes opened only briefly.

"It was only a dream, Ray. You're safe."

He looked at me. "No - I'm not. They're out there somewhere."

I put the lantern on the nightstand. "Do you want to tell me about it? Would that help?"

"I don't know," he said tiredly. "But I guess I gotta, may as well be now." He was still clearly in a lot of pain and his voice was weak, even if he was determined.

"Wait, Ray. Let me make you a hot drink first - I think that might help."

I boiled water quickly and made cocoa, adding a healthy load of sugar. He winced at the sight of the cup but he was actually able to swallow its contents, and to my relief, managed to take the aspirin as well, washing it down with the hot chocolate. I sat down again and waited. He closed his eyes again.

"I'd been on my way about two hours when three guys came up behind me on two sleds. They were pretty friendly at first but then they pulled a gun, said they wanted our stuff. They, uh, beat me up and ...." His voice died.

"Yes, I know. And then? How did Dief get away?"

"He jumped them but one of them pulled a gun and shot at him. I heard him yelp but I couldn't do anything."

"It sounds as if they followed you - maybe waiting until you were well out of range of Tulita."

He nodded. "Yeah, well - what are the odds of just coming across someone with supplies out here by chance?"

Very small, I knew. "Do you know how long you were unconscious?"

"Dunno - probably not that long.  I walked for a while, kept falling down. Too cold." He shivered in reflex, then winced. "Dief came back a couple of times but ... uh, must've realised I couldn't go on so I guess he came for you."

"I'm glad he did."

"I'm not, Fraser. I thought I wanted to die."

"Ray, you'll get through this, like you've got through everything else..."

"This is nothing like anything else, Fraser. This is me talking - I know what I'm feeling. You don't." He was shaking now, tears in his eyes and not just from pain. He wouldn't let me touch him but it was clear he needed comfort. I had an idea - I left the room and opened the cabin door. Diefenbaker rushed straight in to Ray and I urged him up onto the bed. Ray flung his arms around the wolf and held him so tight I was sure Dief would complain - but he didn't.

 

* * *

  
Fraser didn't understand - he'd never had a cock up his ass or had to suck one to save his life. He thought if I told him about it, got it out in the open, then I would start to move on. He didn't know the scene was going on over and over in my head, what I could see every time I shut my eyes:

_They're big - can never get used to the way everyone up here looks like Grizzly Adams._

_"Hi, I'm Ray. What can I do you for? " Fraser's told me how everyone up here relies on everyone else, and that it's a good idea to be friendly right at the start. That man is a bad influence._

_The biggest of the three sticks out a paw. "I'm Jack, Ray. We saw your trail, thought you might be able to help us."_

_"Oh yeah - what's the problem?"_

_"The problem is that we're out of supplies, and well, we can see you're loaded up, and figured you could spare us some."_

_My radar goes into overdrive - this is_ not _standard behaviour up here. "I'd like to help, but you know, you're only sixty miles from Tulita - you could get stuff there."_

_"Well, you see," Jack says, swinging his rifle up and pointing it at me," there's a little problem with that. We don't go in for paying for things much, so I think we'll just be relieving you of all this excess weight and be on our way."_

_I see red. "Like hell you will." I knock the rifle aside, and charge him, knocking him over. This is not the smartest move I ever made in my life, naturally, because his pals just pick me up off him like I weigh nothing and then punch me down. Dief launches himself at Jack but the guy's so big he actually knocks him off and one of his pals fires a gun at the wolf - I hear him bark in pain and I yell at him to go. I don't want him killed. I guess he obeys because I don't see him again. Well, the three of them have fun pounding me for a few minutes. Never want to go through that again - these guys aren't in it to keep me still, they like to hurt. When I'm bleeding and gasping in the snow, they unload my sled onto theirs, taking everything, then scare the dogs who run off with the empty sled._

_Jack comes and stands over me. "I'll find you," I promise him. "The Mounties will find you. I'm a cop, you fucking asshole." Oh great, Kowalski. Give him a reason to kill you, why don't you._

_He just laughs, an ugly sound. "Well, then, Ray, we'll have to find a way of making sure that you just don't want to find us." Okay, now I'm dead. I want to die standing, but as I try to get up, he knocks me down again, then hauls me onto my knees._

_"Make... make your fucking mind up, shithead," I mutter._

_He signals to his friends who hold me. I see him lowering his pants and I know what's coming. I grit my teeth. One of his pals has got half a brain. "Jack, he'll bite."_

_"Don't think so - give me your gun, Al." My head is being held so I can't turn, but then I feel the pistol against my temple. "He bites, he dies. He doesn't, he lives - understand, Ray?"_

_I can do this, I think. Do anything to live, that's the rule. But as he is choking me with his filthy prick, cutting off my air, I think maybe there are some things you can't do. It takes forever before he comes, and as the stuff fills my mouth I can't hold it any more and throw up. I hear them laugh - they let me fall face forward into my own vomit. I move away from the mess, but they aren't done yet. One of them complains that he's missing out, and Jack says, "We got time - have fun."_

_They haul me up again but only to move me into a position for their comfort. As I feel them undoing my jeans, cutting off my boxers, I try and remember the advice we used to give women on the self-defence courses. Don't fight, just lose yourself in your head. Think of something else, Kowalski. I try, I really do - try and think of the day we found the Hand - or near enough. The crisp icy air, the pure white of the glacier ... but when the pain hits, I just scream, and I am back in my body, in pure agony. All three of them do me, shouting encouragement to each other. I pass out when they're done._

_I don't know how long I lay there. When I come to, they're gone. They hauled my jeans back up but that's all. Why didn't they kill me, I wonder, wishing they had. I try to stand - takes forever, my ribs, my ass are on fire. I sit in the snow for a while, trying to work out what the fuck I'm gonna do with no team and no supplies, and no way of telling Fraser where I am, and trying not to pass out again or vomit. I think I do pass out for a few minutes again - and I do throw up again at least once. It's all hazy. But the next thing I'm aware of is something licking my face - Dief. For some reason that make me crack, and I hang on him, crying and wailing and making an idiot of myself. I get up, stumble along in the direction of Fraser's cabin but it's slow and painful. Dief finally makes his mind up to get help instead of wasting time trying to get me to move and disappears, one haunch covered in blood from that bastard's gunshot. Eventually I pass out. The next thing I remember is waking up and Fraser is putting underwear on me._

_Fraser will never understand how I feel._

 

* * *

I left the two of them alone for an hour. My watch told me it was three a.m. but sleep seemed more elusive than ever. The criminals clearly thought Ray would not report the rape - they could well have been right. All the training in the world - and Ray had more than me in this area - cannot prepare you for being the victim of an assault rather than the investigating officer. I made a vow to myself at that moment - I would do everything in my power to help him overcome this. Whatever it took, for however long. He was my friend, and his world had just been destroyed. I was all he had - I knew he would never tell his parents what happened. Nor Stella, nor his brother. He wouldn't have told me if I hadn't been right here. The shame, the self-loathing in his voice was thick enough to cut. But he was going to live, I was determined about that. And he would be happy again too, if I could manage it.

When I went back in, Ray was asleep, holding on to Diefenbaker for dear life. Dief was awake and looked at me with wise eyes. I patted his head. "Thank you, Dief," I said quietly - he licked my hand. I owed him Ray's life and he could make me pay as much as he wanted and I would never be able to repay him. I blew out the lamp and went to bed.

He was gone when I woke up and fear stabbed through me so hard I forgot to breathe. But then I saw Dief was asleep on the floor and I knew he would have alerted me if there had been a problem. I went into the living room and could hear Ray in the bathroom. Thank goodness I had rebuilt with an indoor bathroom - an outside toilet would have been a severe hardship for him. He was in there for a long time even after I got up - heaven knows how long he'd been in there beforehand. I knocked. "Ray? Are you all right?"

"Fuck ... fuck off, Fraser."

His voice sounded hoarse but strong enough that I felt he was all right. Eventually the door opened and I had to reassess my opinion of his condition. He was white as a sheet under the bruises and ready to collapse. Despite his injunction not to touch him I had little choice but to support him as his legs were giving way. Holding him up hurt his ribs, so in the end I had to sweep his legs out from under him and carry him back to his bed.

"Ray - you need a doctor. Are you still bleeding?"

He nodded weakly. "Pissing blood too."

"I'm going to radio for help..." His hand gripped me again.

"No. No doctors. I'm okay."

"You most certainly are not okay - you can't even stand."

"I'm just tired ... sore... been hurt worse."

"Somehow I doubt that. Did you reapply the ointment?"

He shook his head. "Will ... just give me a minute, okay?" He held my wrist more for comfort than to stop me, and I suppose I should have been glad he could touch me without being sick. But looking at the state of him, it was hard to be anything but worried out of my mind. Eventually his breathing slowed and his colour returned a little. His grasp loosened.

"Sorry."

"Good grief, Ray, what for? You've been badly assaulted. If anything, I should be apologising to you for putting you in this position."

He grabbed my wrist again and pulled it. "Do not ever,  _ever_ fucking say that to me again, Fraser or I swear I will kill you." His vehemence surprised and alarmed me.

"Why, Ray? If I'd gone with you, you wouldn't have been targeted."

"You do not know that - if you'd been there you probably would have been shot or raped or beaten to death. You didn't see them - they were big, a lot bigger than you or me. Do not try and take this on yourself. It's bad enough. I don't need that."

"I understand. But you know I will have to report this, don't you?"

He nodded, even managed a weak humourless grin. "Figured my feelings wouldn't come into it."

"Ray, they do. But these men are dangerous - they're clearly psychopaths. Other people are at risk."

"You _are_ talking to a cop, Fraser. But I don't know if I can handle the whole affidavit testimony thing."

"I can still report the assault. They sound as if they are probably on the run, and we can arrest them for the theft. Will you testify to that?"

"Look - just go ahead and report it. Let me think about what I can tell people later, will you?"

That would be good enough. For now, I needed to look after his immediate needs which were rest and food. I left him there, put water on to boil and went into the bathroom. It looked like a war zone - he'd thrown up and there was blood spattered everywhere. I cleaned up, worried by the amount of blood and the continued nausea. I knew he really ought to stay on fluids so I reheated some more soup and made some more chocolate - better to stick to what he had already proved he could keep down, and at least the sugar, salt and water would keep him going for a while.

His eyes were closed again, but he wasn't asleep. "Do you want more aspirin?"

He shook his head. "Stomach's too rough, and I don't think it helped."

"We've got morphine if the pain is bad enough."

"It was last night, I think."

"You should have said."

"Yeah, like I was making a lot of sense. And anyway, you do the same as me so stop fucking telling me what to do!" His shout surprised both of us. "Sorry, Fraser."

"It's all right, Ray. I know how you feel, a little."

"I don't think so. Is that for me?"

I helped him sit, a position which was obviously painful for him. I had no spare pillows which we might have used to buffer his behind but I had a thought - we did have spare blankets. I got one, rolled it into a tube then made a ring. He eased onto it, and it seemed to help. "Thanks - look, I'm sorry for yelling at ya."

"Ray - I said I know how you must be feeling. I haven't been raped, thank god, but I have been assaulted several times - you were there once, remember? Warfield's men? I know about the anger, feeling helpless. You won't - you can't - offend or shock me. And you can't drive me away so you may as well not try."

He actually smiled. "You Mounties are stubborn fuckers aren't you?"

"Haven't you heard? It's our new motto."

That amused him, I was glad to see. He drank the soup and cocoa without too much difficulty although his split mouth was causing him pain. I sat on the bed and kept him company.

"Did you sleep at all?" I asked as I took the cups from him.

"A bit. Dief was good." The brief response told me that he'd slept badly and suffered nightmares. There was little I could do about that.

"I'm going to radio the Tulita detachment. Can you describe the men?"

He started to do so, then clamped his lips together as if he was about to be sick. "No, stop, Ray - I've got enough for the report. You just rest."

He looked at me with such pain and despair that I felt ill - Ray was so tough. To see him like this seemed inconceivable, remembering him as he was. Then my heart missed a beat - I realised I was thinking of him as if he had died. He seemed to read my mind. "I'll never be the same, Fraser. The old Ray Kowalski is gone."

"Maybe the new one will be just as good. Don't give up, Ray."

"Do I have a choice with you around?" He sounded bleak, as if living was much worse than the alternative. Looking at him - bruised, bloodstained and nauseated - it was hard to muster much enthusiasm for arguing that life would go on. False cheer was not going to get him past this.

I reached out to pat him on the shoulder but remembered in time. To my surprise he caught my hand and put it where I had intended it to land. "Ray?"

"I can handle that - but no more."

"Understood." He was still fighting for normality - that was good.

I radioed the RCMP detachment and reported the crime - I said I would call in with more information when I was next in Tulita. The sergeant told me he would let me know if there were any likely candidates for the attackers known to be on the loose. But this brought us to the next problem.

I went into the bedroom. "Do you think you can change and attend to yourself if I bring everything over to you?" He winced at the idea. "Ray, I'm not sure you don't need stitches - if you don't at least put the ointment on, you may end up with an infection. As it is ..."

"We don't know what the fuckers left inside me, yeah, thanks for reminding me, Fraser. Like I haven't thought about it."

HIV was only the worst of several possibilities but I was determined to concentrate on what we could deal with. "Well, can you?"

"Can I what?" he said with irritation.

"Can you attend to yourself?"

"Yeah. Bring me the stuff and then keep out until I say."

He didn't call for an hour but when he did I saw he had managed to change his clothes and from the debris, had also managed the necessary application. I wished he would let me help - it didn't bother me half as much as the thought of him trying to do it for himself, but he saw it as another kind of rape and I would never want to inflict that on him.

"We have another problem," I said as I cleared everything up. There was too much blood for my liking and I would need to keep an eye on things.

"Oh joy - what?" he asked wearily.

"Supplies."

He knew what I meant. We were low on some essentials, right out of some non-essentials, and there just was no option but to go back to town to get things. I could hold off for maybe three days, but then I would have to go. Winter was coming and we would be isolated for at least two months. Ray's journey was meant to be our last until January.

"The problem is really whether you come with me or not. I don't think even in three days you will be fit to sled, but in that case you shouldn't be left on your own."

"Do we have to fucking talk about this now, Fraser? I'm sick of everything revolving around this, around pitiful little Ray. Why don't you just fuck off and do something normal and leave me alone?"

His patience was exhausted and so was he. I removed the dirty clothes and the other things, and left him with Dief for company.

For all he didn't want to talk about it or his situation, realistically there was nothing more pressing. Our nearest neighbour was further away than Tulita and in any event I couldn't ask them to make a journey for us. Things were not - quite - that desperate. So much would depend on his state of mind - I couldn't leave him if I thought he was suicidal but a four day sled journey might kill him.

I left him alone except for provide food, and once, to help him with a tortuous journey to the bathroom which left him in so much pain I seriously considered the morphine. He rejected this idea, insisting he just wanted to sleep so I let him be.

All he did for the next two days was sleep, rousing only to eat and to use the bathroom. He threw up a couple of times but on the whole he seemed to keep down more than came back up, although he was still worryingly weak and too depressed to talk. Dief was his constant companion. I kept as busy as I could but my mind was constantly fretting about the imminent need to make a run to Tulita. He simply could not make the trip but his mental state was so low that I really didn't think I could leave him. The only good thing was that he was moving a little more easily - he could get to the bathroom without help now. The detachment at Tulita reported that Ray's attackers were most likely three escaped prisoners that the RCMP had been tracking but lost. I had to hope they were out of the area now - they hadn't killed Ray while they had the chance, so I also had to hope they would not have trailed him back here just to have further sport with him.

There was no avoiding talking about it. Ray was now well enough to spend some time in the living room, but still needed to sit on the blanket ring and be well rugged up. He liked to be by the stove with Dief at his feet - I was only too happy that he was prepared to express a preference for anything.

"What do you think I should do?"

He shrugged. "Is there much option? We need supplies. I can't go. So you go."

"But how will you look after yourself? And those men are still out there."

"I can heat soup as well as you can. I can walk just about. And you're gonna leave me the rifle. What more can you do?"

"All right, but I want your solemn word that you will take care of yourself as best you can, and that you will not attempt to harm yourself."

He laughed bitterly. "It would be a waste of a good bullet, Fraser - whatever I do, I'm as good as dead, so there's no point in going the extra step."

"Ray - your word?"

"Or what, Fraser?" he shouted. "You'll tie me up and drag me to town? With a gun to my head? I could see how that would work."

I made myself stay calm. "I certainly will take you with me if I have to - my duty to you as a friend and as an RCMP officer would never allow me to leave you on your own to kill yourself. So, your word or I'll make you come with me."

Please give in, I prayed silently. He glared at me and I tried as best I could to show I was entirely serious. Finally he capitulated. "Okay - I promise. You want I should sign something in blood?"

"That won't be necessary. But what is necessary is that you try and be as active as you can, eat as well as possible and stay alert. I'll radio you from Tulita, and should I be late back you must radio the RCMP detachment immediately. They can always send a helicopter for you."

"A lot of fucking fuss for a beat up cop."

"It's just normal procedure, Ray. You're isolated here - if anything happens to me, you would be in danger."

"And if I don't call?"

"Ray - you promised. But if you're going to even hint at this, I shall tell the sergeant there about your intention and make sure he sends help if I don't report in."

"Got it all worked out, ain't ya, Fraser?" he sneered. "How to keep Kowalski nice and safe and under wraps."

His anger was suddenly more than I could stand. "I'm sorry you see my concern for your welfare in such a negative light, Ray. Now I have to attend to the dogs." I stalked out and slammed the door.

I sat in the dog shed and I have to admit I wanted to hit something. The attack on Ray seemed to have burned out all that I remembered of his personality other than anger, and was destroying our friendship. More than that, I was desperately worried. He'd given his word but then immediately seemed to think of a way to kill himself through passivity. And what if those men returned?

I spent a couple of hours lost in thought - I forgot even to feed the dogs which had been my excuse for coming out here. Their barking woke me out of my musings. I was just moving quietly to the door to see what had excited them when it opened and there was Ray, dressed inadequately and swaying. "What the hell are you doing?" I shouted.

He grinned weakly. "You just swore, Fraser."

I grabbed him, made him sit and put my coat on him. "You damn idiot - you _are_ trying to kill yourself!"

He pulled at my shirt to make me sit beside him on the fuel drum where I had put him. "I gave you my word. I'm not - I won't."

"So why did you say you wouldn't call for help?"

"Because I can't handle people right now - if you don't come back, I'll have to rely on strangers. I can't ... can't see anyone ... not like this." To my alarm, tears started to fall. "I'm sorry, Fraser. I'm being a shit ...I'm just afraid. You gotta come back. You gotta - I need you. Never needed anyone before ... fucking hate it."

Between his weeping and mumbling his words were hard to catch but his meaning was plain. I took his hand. "Ray - you have _my_ word. I will return barring death. I just wanted to make sure you would be safe regardless."

He nodded but still sobbed. I wished he would permit me to hug him but he really didn't like being touched so I just hung onto his hand. "Come on - come back and get warm. I told you - nothing you could do would drive me away."

He looked at me with bruised wet eyes. "But you walked out."

Damn. Some friend I was. "I was angry. But I would have come back."

"I'm scared, Fraser." I could imagine how much that admission cost him. Ray was scared of nothing ... not before this.

"I'm going to leave Dief with you - not for your sake, mine. I'll feel happier."

He managed a smile. "Sure, Fraser. Whatever you say."

I thought he was ready to go back to the house so I helped him up. He was walking more easily but he was still so weak.

I put him to bed and got him warm, fed him and sat with him until he fell asleep. Dief joined him almost immediately. Could they really manage on their own?

It was with the heaviest of hearts that I set out that morning. Ray had slept well, and was actually up and moving when I left, but he looked terrible despite the brave face he put on things. I had done all I could to make sure he would not have to exert himself unduly but still ... "You call Fred at the store if there is any problem at all - anything. If you get worse, if you fall - anything. Promise me this, Ray."

"I promise - now git. Go, come back. You're getting me that hot water bottle, remember."

I did as I was bid, but I still stopped and looked back at the cabin from a mile off. God help me if anything happened to him.

 

* * *

I tried not to show how worried I was as Fraser sledded off but the second he was out of sight, I puked again. Christ, I wish I could stop this. Everything set me off - remembering that ... that guy, the wrong tasting food, getting mad, getting worried. Even though I hadn't told him, I was sure I had caught something off those guys - but I knew that if I'd told Fraser he had tied me to that fucking sled and dragged me to Tulita. And I just couldn't do it - I couldn't face the people, couldn't bear the pain. I'd got good at hiding it, but things hurt just as bad as they did when I first got back here. Taking a dump, taking a piss - walking, breathing. I thought about that morphine Fraser offered me more than once but I knew if I admitted, even to myself, that things were that bad, then I was fucked for good. If I could just hold on to that much of myself, then I could live. If not, promise or no promise, I would go out into the snow and blow my head off.

I slept most of the time. Dief was with me. Thank god for that wolf. Wished he could open cans and feed the stove with wood but at least he keep me warm and partially sane. It was so quiet there. I'd got so used to Fraser's unending chatter about everything under the sun and now it was gone, I missed it. But it also helped. I didn't need to keep pretending, or saying how I felt. I could just be me. Which was getting harder all the time.

By the time Fraser radioed, I had to admit partial defeat and tell him I was running a temperature. But to my relief he didn't go into panic mode. "I spoke to the nurses here, Ray. They've given me some antibiotics and other things which will help. Do you think you can cope for two more days?"

"Sure. It's not life threatening - I just feel sicker, hotter."

"Keep your fluids up and rest. Ray - I _will_ be back in two days. Is everything else OK?"

"Yeah - just come back, all right?"

God, I sounded pathetic but he just laughed. "I have every intention of doing so. Look after yourself, Ray."

I felt better after that. Fraser trusted me, and that made me feel almost like the me I was before. Not that I really did, but close enough. But I was sick, no doubt about it. The last day I couldn't keep anything down, and I stayed in bed, couldn't even get up to piss. When I finally heard the dogs, I thought it was the sweetest sound in the world.

 

* * *

I left the sled where I stopped and fairly flew into the cabin. The sight which greeted me was hardly the one I wanted. Ray was burning up, his eyes glittering with fever and his skin was dry and tight over his bones. He managed to smile a little. "Hi honey - you're home."

"You're sick, Ray."

"No shit, Sherlock. You gonna fix me?"

"Give me twenty minutes - I need to put the dogs in the shed and unload things. Can you wait?"

"Not going nowhere, Fraser."

I worked as fast as I could and just dumped our supplies in the living room. I dug out the considerable amount of medical items I had been given at the clinic and went into him. "What are the symptoms - and don't lie to me." I was angry - but at whom, I wasn't sure. Fate, I suppose. There wasn't in fact anything either of us could have done about this.

He put up his hand. "Not planning to."

He appeared to have got an infection - probably from his rapists but the tears may not have been healing as well as they ought. His temperature was high, but not lethally so, and it appeared he had tried as best he could to keep fluids up, although he was vomiting more than ever. I had been given anti-nausea pills for him as well as the antibiotics and once we got those inside him, he felt better within half an hour. I could then risk the other medication, including some stronger painkillers. "They also provided you with some suppositories - do you think you could manage those?"

"Not without help, Fraser." I looked at him, uncertain what to say. "OK - I give in. Go get your glove."

I waited until he had at least got more soup inside him and I took the time to stow things. I could see he was apprehensive and I wanted him to have chance to calm down, for the painkillers to work. The clinic had provided me with sleeping pills also - the nurse there was extraordinarily sympathetic and helpful. She had a close friend who was a rape victim, and I was able to talk to her at some length about Ray's condition. She warned me that some people, especially men, never recover mentally. I told her that whatever happened he would not be abandoned - she said that was the most important thing I could do for Ray. I hoped she was right.

When I returned to the bedroom, Ray looked a little better - certainly he was less hot. "Do you want to take a sleeping pill? It might help you relax."

He shook his head. "No, I need to know what you're doing - that it's you and not them."

I could understand that. I helped him strip - now he had given me permission for such an intimate intrusion, he saw no reason for me not to check his other injuries which I had not seen since the night I brought him back. The bruising looked quite appalling - I applied the anti-clotting salve I had picked up. The cracked ribs were very painful for him and I restrapped those - he hadn't done a very good job of bandaging himself and I saw I was just going to have to insist on him letting me help there. He was immediately more comfortable, and I wondered just how bad the pain had been. I rather suspected he had been lying to me. When I finally took a look at his rear, I knew he had. "Ray - this is a mess."

He grinned a little. "Ya think? What could I do about it? Let you drag me on your damn sled into town? I can't hardly deal with the pain now - let alone if you did that."

"I'm going to give you that morphine..."

"No!" he shouted. I stopped still. "No," he said more quietly. "You do that and I'm done for."

"Ray, you're in severe pain - there is no shame ...."

"You fucking inject me with that and you may as well get your gun out and shoot me. You hear?"

I didn't understand but his agitation was doing him no good. I let him calm down. As he hadn't had a wash in four days - he said he couldn't manage - I offered to give him a wipe down, which to my surprise he accepted. I used the opportunity to put into effect some therapeutic massage on his unbruised areas and slowly he relaxed again. In fact he was almost asleep when I was done and I regretted I was going to have to disturb him. "Ray - I need to..."

"Go on - get it over with."

I rolled him onto his less damaged side and gave him my pillow to support him. Because of the neglect I had to spend a while cleaning him up and his breathing sounded like he'd run a marathon. "Ray, I want you to breath slowly and untense yourself. It will help."

"Get on with it, Fraser," he gritted out.

I applied the cream and the suppository and put boxers back on him. He stayed where I had manoeuvred him, curled around my pillow. "Ray?" I touched his shoulder but he didn't move. I came around the front of him and crouched down. Tears were running down his face and he was shaking.

"I'm so sorry," I said gently. I put my hand on his shoulder, stroking it and waited. Eventually he just fell asleep like that. I covered him up and cleared up, then went into the living room and after radioing the RCMP detachment to confirm my safe arrival, I just sat by the stove and thought.

I dozed a little but he woke me up with the most heart-rending screams. I knew better now than to wake him and just let Dief onto the bed, replacing my pillow with my wolf. It took a long time for him to settle down.

His fever was down slightly the following morning, and he was able to keep some food down with the help of the anti-emetics. "Ray, I'm sorry about ... you know, having to ..."

"It's OK, Fraser. I know you ain't getting off on it. And it feels better - doesn't hurt so bad."

"Well, at least that's something."

"It's everything, stupid. Look - I know I'm not the most wonderful patient in the world, but I wanted to tell you - I appreciate what you've done. Most guys would have run a mile from me - dumped me in the hospital and left me there."

"I never even considered doing that, Ray."

"I know - that why I love ya. But I'm sorry you have to put your finger up my ass - I guess that's not in the Mountie handbook, huh."

"Well, you know, Ray - once you've lived among the musk ox and you've wormed Diefenbaker, applying medication to your rectum really isn't much to get worked up about."

He looked at me in absolute shock at my blunt words - and then he laughed. He laughed and laughed, slightly hysterically but laughter none the less. "You really are from another planet, you know that, Fraser?"

"I have it on good authority that I am, Ray." He lay there and smiled at me, the first honest to goodness smile for over a week, and it was then that I realised that he would get through this somehow, and that I would do anything to keep those smiles coming.

A good night's rest, the reduction in pain and discomfort and my return seemed to have worked a minor miracle. He was still weak and stayed in bed but his mood was better which made everything seem more tolerable. Dief sensed the change too and actually began to misbehave - I really hadn't thought I would miss him grumbling.

Ray's progress was steady over the next month and a half. The antibiotics dealt swiftly with the infection, and the suppositories finally allowed the painful rectal tears to heal. The bruises disappeared slowly and he was moving as well as one could expect considering he still had broken ribs, but more efficient strapping meant he was in far less pain, which also contributed to his better mood. But he was still very quiet, still wanted to be alone with no one but Dief for company. We heard that one of the three criminals had been found dead - shot apparently by his companions. Three days later the other two were killed when they tried to rob a bank at gun point in White Horse. His reaction was far more muted than I had expected.

"I thought you'd be pleased."

He just shrugged. "So? What they took away from me, I can't get back."

"And what did they take, Ray? Surely you don't have any outdated ideas about your virginity?"

Anger made me blunter than I meant to be and he winced at my words. "No, don't be stupid. I mean ... hell, we gotta talk about this but I don't know if I can do it."

He made me sit and he took up his usual position in front of the stove. "If you don't want to, Ray, there's no urgency."

"There is, you know. In a few months I'm supposed to go back to Chicago, right?"

"Yes, that was the plan. Your year off will be over in April."

"I know. But I can't, Fraser."

"Can't what? Go back?"

"Can't anything." His voice was hoarse and he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders for more than protection against the cold - we were in deep winter now but the cabin was well-insulated thanks to our joint efforts, and was warm. "I can't go back, can't be a cop. Can't see people."

"But what's the alternative?" I asked gently. I understood his reluctance but couldn't see an answer to it.

"I don't know, that's the thing that's killing me. I wrote my resignation out and everything, but I can't think what I'll do."

"What would you do in an ideal world?"

"In an ideal world none of this shit woulda happened, Fraser," he said wryly. "But I guess I just want to stay here. Away from people."

"But wouldn't you be lonely? And you were attacked here - doesn't that matter?"

"I know. It doesn't make sense - but I feel safer here than in Chicago."

I reached out and took his hand, a little to his surprise. "I want you to know that whatever you decide, I'll help you. You won't be alone."

He pulled his hand away. "You don't know what you're saying. How can you help?"

"I meant what I said. If you go back to Chicago, I'll come with you as long as you need a friend. If you want to stay right where you are, you can. I'll support you - morally, financially, in whatever way you need."

"Why?" His eyes blazed a challenge to me.

"Because you're my friend. Because you have given me so much and I want to repay you - and not just you, all the people who have helped me. This is my chance to give back something."

"So I'm your favorite charity now."

His voice was sarcastic but his eyes were afraid. I took his hand again. "Ray, you, a complete stranger to me, took a bullet for me the first day we met. You've saved my life over and over again. You helped me catch Muldoon and you helped me afterwards. You've given me more friendship than I have any right to, any right to expect. You are no charity. You are my friend. You need help. I am going to give it."

His eyes were shining with tears. "It's too much - you can't."

"I can, I will. You can choose to accept, or not. You cannot tell me what to do."

"Yeah, like anyone could," he said gruffly.

"Well, exactly. So why bother trying?" I said, which got a teary grin from him. "Now what I will do is this. On my next trip to Tulita, you'll come with me. You have to start sometime if you are going to stay up here. I will make arrangements with my bank to give you full joint access to my account ..."

"You can't do that, Fraser - even Stella didn't do that."

"Perhaps Stella didn't trust you as much as I do. As I said, I will give you full access to my account. You can stay here as long as you want - for the rest of your life if you so desire. You look after the cabin for me, and so long as I can come and visit on my leave, we'll be all square. If you decide to return to Chicago, I will get myself posted there. Be sure about one thing though, you are not going to be left just to get on with your life. I will be there until _I_ am happy that you are happy."

"It's too much," he mumbled, embarrassed.

I patted his shoulder. "What it is, is something we don't need to decide now. You think about it. You've got until April. Don't make any hasty decisions."

He grasped my hand. "Fraser - I... I don't know what to say."

"Just say goodnight, Gracie." He smiled and took himself to bed.

 

* * *

He continued to improve physically but he was no more talkative. He didn't mention my offer again but it became an unavoidable issue when, two weeks later, I was due to go to Tulita again in a few days. I told him he was going with me. In hindsight, it might have been more diplomatic to phrase it as a request but he had become so apathetic about most things, I had got into the habit of just telling him what to do. On this, he had clear views.

"No. I'm not going."

"So you've decided you're returning to Chicago then?"

"Don't be an asshole, Fraser. I haven't made up my mind, you know that."

"Then why are you ensuring you cannot possibly stay up here? If you can't handle the sled, or going to Tulita, if you won't come and sign the bank forms, you have ruled out an option for yourself."

"I'll go next time."

"No. If you don't come with me, I'm withdrawing the offer. Because you are going to go with me this time, and next time on your own. And only then if you can handle that will I allow you to stay here."

"I do not need your fucking permission, Fraser, so back off. I can go anywhere."

Childishly I held open the cabin door. "Be my guest - go discover Canada, by all means."

He actually was going to run out the door dressed only in jeans and a sweater. Madness. I grabbed him as he passed and pulled him back. He swung a punch at me which I was too surprised to duck and he knocked me down. As I tried to stand up, he stood over me with curled fists. "You want to take me on? You want to shove me around? Get up and we'll do this right then."

"Ray, would you mind shutting the door? If you want to fight me, fine, but I see no reason to freeze to death." He backed away and kicked the door shut, never taking his eyes off me. He was breathing hard and his face was grim - he was entirely serious, but I was not going to fight a man who had barely healed ribs. "This isn't necessary, you know."

"No? You've been pushing me around, Fraser - telling me what to do, when to eat, go to bed, Ray, let me stick my finger up your hole, Ray, go to Tulita, Ray. Now I'm saying I want to fight you, so stand up and put your fucking fists up, you bastard."

"I can't, Ray - you're injured."

"You're chickenshit, Fraser."

"Easy to say that when you know why I won't fight you."

"Get up or I'll pound you where you lie."

I got up slowly and he immediately swung for me. I dodged it easily, grabbed his fist, pulled his arm behind him and held him in an armlock. "Now will you please calm ..." He suddenly collapsed and in alarm I let him go. He then turned and punched me in the stomach and kneed me, forcing me to the ground.

"Get up." I thought this was a singularly stupid request, all things considered, but he hauled me up. "Fight, Fraser."

I stood holding my stomach. "No," I said calmly as I could.

He threw a punch at my jaw which rocked me. "Fight me."

"No."

Enraged, he pummelled me, and I let him. It hurt, no doubt about it - he meant it to, although what he really wanted was for me to hit him back, something I would not do. When he finally tired, I asked, "Finished? My rifle is over there, if you want to continue."

He stood there, chest heaving, eyes afire. Suddenly he grabbed his coat and the rifle and ran out the door. This time I didn't try to stop him.

I cleaned the blood off my face and assessed the damage. Bruising, a split lip - nothing too bad. Painful, though. He was lucky Dief had been out hunting, or he would have attacked Ray - although these days I wasn't entirely sure where the wolf's loyalties lay. I sat down in the armchair, not thinking of anything much. I couldn't seem to do anything right with Ray at the moment - I wasn't even sure I knew him any more. He once told me he'd sworn never to strike me again after our contretemps at the time of the _Henry Allen_ affair - and yet now he had tried to half kill me.

I closed my eyes and actually dozed off. When I awoke, stiff and sore, I saw with some alarm that Ray had been gone for more than an hour. I supposed I really should go look for him - but he was no longer a novice out here, and he did have the gun. My only consolation was that the thing was too long to blow your own head off with - but it was more than adequate to blow someone else's off. No, he was right - I was taking too much responsibility for him and his recovery. I had done all I could, and now I was being counterproductive. And yes, I was also mad as hell. I liked to think my decision not to go after him was not influenced by that fact.

He was gone for nearly three hours. The weather was clear so he would not have come to grief from that, but I supposed it was now time to see what sort of mess he'd made of things. I went out onto the porch - his tracks were clearly visible. I checked on the dogs - he hadn't taken them. I was harnessing up the sled when I heard Dief's barking. Coming out of the shed I saw my wolf - and Ray, carrying a deer across his shoulders. He tossed the half-grown buck at my feet. "Felt like shooting something - thought I may as well make it worth my while."

He turned and went back into the house. Dief looked at me. "I have no idea," I said.

I hauled the carcass up on a hook in the shed and cleaned and jointed it, a mucky task which I'm sure he took delight in leaving for me. There was no doubting that it was a welcome addition to our larder. There was also no doubting that Ray had just proved in the most vivid manner possible that he was capable of surviving here and that he was now fit enough to cope on his own - _if_ he could overcome this phobia about entering a semi-urban environment to obtain supplies.

I went back into the cabin carrying a haunch. He was sitting by the stove, feeding it chips of wood. I walked past him into the bathroom and washed up. He didn't look at me when I emerged, so I set about cooking his contribution. I set the pan in the oven and then came back to him. "Good kill."

"Thanks." He still stared at the fire.

"You finished with the homicidal rage for now or do I need to sleep out with the dogs?"

He looked at me then. "You do whatever you fucking like, Fraser."

He ignored me that evening, and for the next three days, never saying a word or acknowledging me in any way. On the evening of the fourth day I had no choice but to speak to him. "I'm going to Tulita in the morning."

He just grunted. Nothing else.

I was up before dawn - I was now sleeping on the bedroll since it seemed impolitic to share a room with someone who loathed me. To my surprise Ray emerged just as I was boiling water for tea. He was fully dressed and carrying his duffel bag. "You got room for me?"

"You're coming?"

"I'm leaving. Take me to Tulita and then we're done." His eyes defied me to protest. I just continued boiling the water and made breakfast for two.

He was silent the whole day, coping with the journey as if he had never been injured. We made camp at our usual staging post - the site, I belatedly realised, of his attack, but he made no mention of it. I set up the tent and wondered how he was going to handle sharing such close quarters. "I'll sleep out," he announced. I nodded. He knew how to make a snow hole and he had a good sleeping bag - brand new, I'd replaced the one that was stolen. He'd survive.

Long habit made me check him over visually in the morning - he looked tired, but I thought it was the accumulated effect of several bad nights' sleep, not just the night in the open. He could sleep in a hotel that night, or a tent. He had decided he was none of my affair - I had to accept that. I still worried like hell though. But he was obviously not suicidal - my service revolver was in the cabin and he'd never looked at it. I got the fire going for breakfast, and I had to ask. "Are you going back to Chicago?"

"No." And he made it clear that he was not going to discuss the matter further.

We arrived in Tulita at three and I made for the store. I was in a quandary - was Ray entirely serious? If so, I was purchasing too much. If this was a rash impulse he was going to regret as soon as I left, then by purchasing less, I was putting us both to unnecessary inconvenience. I made a decision, told Fred to make the full order and to hold it. I found him making travel arrangements and I hauled him out of the office.

"Piss off, Fraser." He was less angry than I feared, but also not co-operating in any fashion.

"Ray, I want a favour. Just one. Please?"

"What?"

"I want you to wait one night - just one day - before making your flight arrangements. So we can talk. I promise not to hinder you in anyway - but I don't want us to part like this."

He stared at me. "OK. I guess I owe you. Are you staying at the hotel, or camping?"

We agreed to share a twin room at the town's only hotel. I treated us to what passed for a slap up meal - we usually ate fairly well when in town, but if this was goodbye, I wanted things to be pleasant. Ray was quiet but not rude, and thanked me politely for the dinner.

We walked up to our room and Ray made himself ready for bed immediately. "I thought you were going to let me talk."

"Not stopping you. I'm just tired - thought I may as well lie down."

"You haven't been sleeping?" I asked as he climbed into one of the beds. I sat in the armchair.

"No worse than usual. You want to know why I'm going, right?"

"Well, yes. I had hoped you might have told me about your decision before this."

"Are you going to try and stop me?"

"I told you I wouldn't. But I'm worried about you - and I don't want to part with you apparently hating me."

He rolled and looked at me. "I don't hate you. I just can't stay. Isn't that enough?"

"Is it because we fought? Because I've been thinking I probably deserved that and more."

"You did. And you didn't."

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"You're the smart one, Fraser - I'm just the pretty one. Why don't you tell me what I mean?"

I thought for a while. "I was pushing you," I said slowly.

"Yeah."

"And ordering you around."

"Right."

"But you didn't want to make any decisions - you wouldn't get out of bed unless I pushed."

"Right."

"So what did I do wrong?"

He sat up. "Nothing, Fraser. You did the best you could, you saved my life. I just... I just need something else."

"Can't you tell me? Running away won't solve anything - if you're just going to throw in your job and become a drifter after coming this far, I..." I stopped. I just didn't know how to put it.

"What? Finish what you were going to say."

He was looking at me intently, and I knew if I got this wrong, it might kill both of us. "I suppose I was going to say, it would break my heart. The way that Victoria going back to a life of crime did."

"You were in love with her. I'm not your lover."

"No - but I love you, as you once said you loved me. My responsibility, my concern is no less because I don't wish to sleep with you. Ray, I love you as a brother and a friend. You are my partner. I don't want to lose you to this thing that has happened."

He grinned briefly. "That hard to say?"

"Not in the least, and if you want me to say it all night to convince you to come back with me and approach your future with something like a positive attitude, I will. But you are just throwing your life away."

"And you think living off you, stuck here, is better?"

"Yes. Because it can be a new life, a better life for you - and for me. I would know you were safe, that you were happy and healed and well. And .... you would be there. I would miss you if you went."

"You want me to stay for you?" He didn't look angry and I felt I was finally getting through to him.

"I want you to do what is best for you - because that's good for me too. I'm someone who needs to know their loved ones are safe. For me that's you, Dief and Maggie. You're my family."

I got up and came and sat on the end of his bed. "Ray, you don't have to do this now. In a month or so, we'll come back. If you still feel the same, you can go. But in the meantime, I can make the arrangements I said I would, and you will have a real choice. Please - I ... I don't think I could bear it if you left like this."

My eyes were misting up in the most regrettable fashion. "Fraser?" he said quietly. He held his arms out and for the first time in two months, he let me hug him the way I wanted to since I first saw him in the snow, beaten and bleeding, and I feared I had lost my best friend forever.

"Okay," he said thickly, still holding me. "I'll stay. You bastard - you could always talk me into things."

"Thank God, Ray." I sat back. "Look - I'll try to do things differently ..."

"No, don't. Let me tell you when you bug the shit out of me - like I used ta."

I grinned. "That will be perfectly acceptable. Now, let's go to sleep."

 

* * *

I lay awake for a while wondering what happened. One minute I was planning to throw my life away and no power on earth would stop me, and the next Fraser had given me a reason to live and to stay and to ... to keep going, I guess. I didn't really have a plan - I was going to go back to Chicago, resign and then I hadn't thought further than that. I guess what changed was I thought Fraser had acted all this time out of pity ... to find out it was because he felt I was family just blew me away. I mean, fuck - _no one's_ ever felt like that about me. OK, maybe Stella, but she was married to me, she was kinda obliged to. Fraser and me, we got to be friends by decree, by accident - and now he's declared me his brother. You can't turn your back on that.

And look - I got to town and I didn't freak even though I knew I couldn't really handle Chicago yet. I didn't think I was going to be able to in two months' time either. I wasn't going out of my way to talk to people, and I avoided strangers, but I could talk to Fred and acknowledge people I knew. Tulita's not that big a place after all. But for the first time since the attack, I didn't feel like dirt, like I was expendable. Fraser needed me, wanted me to stay by him - okay, so he was going to have to find a new post soon, and that could be anywhere. But he needed me to be with him in his head. I think this was the first time I realised he needed anyone. And that anyone was me. Fuck.

It was good being back on the sled. Fraser asked me to drive back - said I needed to build up my muscles. I was tired by the time we made camp - he stopped a little sooner than usual, like I didn't notice he was avoiding the normal base camp, but I didn't say anything. Hell, it wasn't the land's damn fault I got attacked. This time I slept in the tent with him, like we usually did - I froze my ass sleeping in the snow, not that I'd tell him that. It was a lot warmer in the tent, in more ways than one.

I don't mean to make out everything was all right in Ray Kowalski's world. Not with the screaming heebees of nightmares I was still getting. Not with needing Dief to be on my bed before I could even sleep in the first place. But things were right with me and Fraser and that meant a lot.

We started to talk again. I'd missed that, even though it was me that clammed up. I was afraid if I started to talk to him we'd have that fight that we ended up having anyway. I could never apologise for that but I felt so shitty - the way he just stood there and let me knock the crap out of him. It wasn't him - it was me, it was me wanting to hit those guys. I think he knew that anyway. He didn't hold a grudge, I'll give him that. Anyway, like I was saying, we talked. I told him why I couldn't be a cop any more - I'd never pass the psych review. He understood that, and said that being nearly forty like I was, maybe it was time for something new. We talked about different options, but I kept coming back to the fact that Canada was the one thing I liked the most of all the things I'd done since the divorce. And it didn't have to be forever - I could go back any time. The one thing that stuck in my throat was living off him. I had some savings - after the divorce Stella and me had made a bit on the apartment we sold - and they would last me a year or two if I was careful, but then what?

"Ray, try to look at it from my point of view. If you're here, you can maintain the place, I can keep the dogs here year round instead of having to pay for them to be kennelled. You'll keep them in shape, and the cabin safe. Don't forget what Victoria did to it - I love this place, and I want it to be here when _I_ need it. Paying for you is the same as hiring a house sitter."

"But how the hell can you afford it? Everything costs a bazillion bucks up here."

"I have no dependants. I have no great living expenses. My savings are healthy, and my prospects are good. And there's something else." He went into the bedroom and returned with a little red passbook which he gave to me. "That money was deposited into an account with my father's name to attempt to blacken his reputation. It belongs to no-one, it came from criminals - I never wanted to touch it before. I think it is appropriate it should be used to help a victim of crime."

There was enough in there to keep me for at least a year and a half without any input at all from me or Fraser. He looked at my expression. "Trust me, Ray, I expect a good return on my investment. I expect you to work those dogs and the cabin to be kept in perfect shape. You may come to regret it." But he smiled when he said it.

In the end, I agreed. I just didn't have any other option. It was weird - but weird was just Fraser's way of doing things.

He got a post in Norman Wells, and for the first three years I saw him every couple of months. He got promoted to corporal pretty quickly, and he liked the new job. He left Dief with me and I didn't argue too hard because me and the furface had become real buddies. Fraser would turn up for three days every so often and we'd hunt and walk and sled if the weather was right, and then he would go and leave me on my own. And it was good. I had never understood why Fraser would like to be alone - but now I did. I got right inside my own head for the first time in my life. It was a scary place - but eventually I got used to it. Got to like me again. And I was happy.

When Fraser got the promotion to sergeant and got transferred to White Horse, I only saw him once a year. He would take all his leave at the one time and come to me for four weeks, usually in deep winter. I looked forward to him coming - we always enjoyed each other's company. Not that I got lonely - I went to Tulita just often enough to stay in touch with the human race and that was enough. I had a couple of good friends there, and I was pretty well known. Sometimes the neighbors would drop in, and I got invited to their place a few times. But I didn't look for people. And I don't think I missed Chicago once. I think I missed missing Chicago actually. My parents were the only thing I missed and hell, they moved back to Arizona after a year anyway.

We never talked about me going back after I'd been here five years. We both pretty much accepted that I was here for good. It was like I died or got reborn or something - I suppose I should have thanked the guys who nearly killed me, but I'm not Fraser.

And so life went on. I marked the passage of the years by Fraser's annual visit. He was getting a little grey - Dief was getting old too, and I had to stop taking him with me to Tulita except when he needed the vet. Me - I was never better, never fitter. I suppose things wouldn't have changed much, if Fraser hadn't decided to try and handle a home-made bomb.

It was the stupidest thing - he was in a pharmacy on a routine visit to the manager when he noticed an open hair dye box which, it turned out, had a pack of plastic explosive in it. Animal rights, they figured later - protesting about dogs and rabbits being used in experiments. Naturally, being Fraser, he wanted to make everything all tidy, went to shut the lid and the damn thing went off without warning. If he'd been holding it, he'd have lost an arm. He got the full blast in his legs, his gut - everywhere. A mess.

The first I knew about it was that he radioed me from Tulita saying he was there, could I come get him. It only being May, I was a bit surprised, but he never said a word about him being hurt until I got there in his old Jeep. He was in a wheelchair, for god's sake! He saw my face and put his hand up. "Ray - before you start, just get me home. I'll tell you everything back at the cabin."

We drove back in silence - OK, a little chit-chat, but nothing big like "Why the fuck can't you walk, Fraser?" or even "Will you ever walk again, Fraser?" Getting back in the summer only takes three hours instead of two days, thank god. Dief came out to meet us and whined when he saw his master - I knew how he felt. The first problem were the porch stairs - he couldn't even walk that far. I ended up just carrying him like he had done me all those years ago after the attack. I put him into the armchair, went outside and unloaded the jeep, put it in the shed and went back into the cabin. "Now would be a good time to start talking, Fraser buddy."

He told me about the bomb, and after I finished yelling at him for being so fucking stupid and not telling me about it before, I asked the really important question. "What's wrong with you then?"

He gave me a stupid grin, like it was a big joke. "Just about everything. I was lucky not to lose a leg, I suppose." He'd been in hospital for two months without saying a word to me, the sneaky bastard, and was on indefinite sick leave - it was going to be a year at least before he was anything like normal. "Do you mind me coming?"

"Are you out of what's left of your fucking mind, Fraser? This is your place - your home. Where the hell else would you go?"

"I knew you'd say that, Ray - but I felt I should ask. It's your home too."

"It's our goddamn home."

"Yes, but it was presumptuous of me to assume you would want to nurse me. I just didn't have anywhere else to go."

"Fraser, I swear to god, if you were able to stand, I'd knock you down. Of course you had to come here. That's what buddies are for, ya moron."

 

* * *

For all his ranting and raving, I could see Ray was very worried. I had returned to the only place I really felt safe, felt assured of a welcome. Maggie had offered for me to go to her but she was pregnant again and I just couldn't impose like that. I couldn't tell Ray the whole truth - that in fact I might never recover from the injuries - but it was bad enough asking him to care for me for a year. I never doubted he would help, but it was a lot to ask.

The biggest problem was my wheel chair - I would need it for months, and in the meantime, there was the bathroom to manage. There was simply nothing for it but for Ray to lift me in and out of the shower, lift me on and off the toilet. We had no modesty left with each other after all these years - certainly not after what I had to do for him after he was raped. In fact I think he was the only person I had ever felt completely comfortable being nude in front of. In many ways we were like a married couple - we bickered like one for sure. But he was what I needed, what I craved. He treated me like a normal person with a few annoying problems - not like a cripple. And he was so kind. He built ramps so I could get in and about the house easily, and made numerous modifications to make life easier for me. He would patiently massage my legs when they cramped, as they did so often, easing the relentless pain from the damaged nerves. He'd give me a back rub at the drop of a hat, just because I was feeling depressed. And most importantly, he knew how to bully me.

"Fraser, if you want supper, you can walk over here and get it."

"Fine, I'm not hungry," I lied.

"Suits me. If you want Dief to have this lovely venison, I could care less." The wretched man sat there and stuffed his face while I had to watch.

"You could help me over there, you know. It's not like I ask that much of you." A whine worthy of Diefenbaker.

"Yeah, so? I'm sick of carrying your fat butt all over this place. And you can walk that far, I know you can. So move."

And of course, I did. Slowly, painfully, and sweating like a hog by the time I got there, taking five minutes to walk a bare three metres. He caught me before I collapsed and help me onto the chair. Then he hugged me, patted my shoulder and gave me a delicious meal.

He hugged me a lot, something I had come to enjoy, and even look for. Every time I achieved something, however minor, he would reward me that way - I came to understand why the dogs loved him, he had an instinct for getting the best out of them. And me.

Looking back, in some ways that was the best time of my life. Oh, it was hard. Much harder than it had been ten years previously after Ray Vecchio shot me. Then I was only disabled for less than two months. This time I spent five months just getting back on my feet, and there were many, many times when I literally cried with exhaustion and frustration. But Ray was always right there. When it got too much, when I just couldn't walk that extra step no matter what inducement he put in front of me, or how hard I tried, he would just pick me up, put me on the chair or the bed, and let me rant. He had to listen to a lot of yelling - he yelled back too, when I needed it. Then he would wait until I settled down, and then he'd rub my legs, or my back, or my stomach, whatever hurt the most until I was ready to face the next challenge.

I was more or less useless for the first six months and I was getting depressed and self-absorbed to the point where I would barely notice whether he came or went. I could walk at last (or just about - I could stand up at least) but I would find any excuse to avoid doing so because it hurt so much. Ray coaxed me as much as he could, even threatened, but the improvement was slow. Then one morning I woke and there was a note on the nightstand.

"Fraser - I've gone to Tulita for a week. See you - Ray."

The little ... the son of a bitch! He'd always taken me with him before either by sled or by jeep. He knew damn well I couldn't manage for more than a week on my own. Dief had gone with him, the ingrate.

He was right, of course. I could and I did manage. By the time he returned ten days later, I'd made more progress in that time than I had in two months. He put his head in the door clearly expecting me to hit him. What he found was me on my feet, cooking. And smiling. Only just upright, mind you, but still - there it was.

"OK, where's the sulky bastard I left behind and what have you done with him?" he asked with a disgustingly self-satisfied grin.

"Oh, I shot him. I wanted to shoot _you_ \- I suppose you think you're clever?"

"I know I'm clever, Fraser. It's just taken you all this time to work it out."

He came up behind me, tasted the stew, then he hugged me. "I knew you could do it - you just had to be convinced."

"Well, that's terrific, Ray, but I think I do really have to sit down now."

He let me get settled in the armchair. "Are you sore?"

"A bit. Everything still pulls the wrong direction because of the way I have to walk."

He nodded. "OK - we'll work on that," like he was talking about fixing the jeep. He stood up and went behind me and without asking me, started to rub my neck and shoulders, which were the parts of me that now suffered the most next to my legs. I groaned a little - I had missed his massages.

"So, did you have fun in Tulita?"

"Sure - saw a few people. There's a new gal at the hotel there - she's a laugh." My heart skipped a beat. In all this time, the question of Ray finding a new love had never come up, and yet here it was, a possibility.

"Did you spend much time with her?" I asked as if it didn't matter.

"Every night. She knows even more stories than you do, and she likes to dance. Forgot how much I missed that. She's good too."

I simply grunted but my mind was in turmoil. Why had Ray's sexual needs not occurred to me in ten years? And why was the prospect of him finding a partner at long last bother me so much? Because he'll leave, was the answer my mind immediately tossed back at me, and my breathing stopped until I remembered to start again. The very next thought was that he _must_ leave - that was the logical step.

"Everything OK, Fraser? Your shoulders just went rock hard."

I carefully pulled his hands away. "I'm fine - but would you mind dishing out supper?"

I watched him, saying farewell in my mind, and yet knowing how much I would miss him. He was restored in mind and body long since, and he was still young enough to embark on a new life with a wife, young enough for the children he said he wanted long ago. I had to ensure that he took this opportunity.

My appetite was non-existent, and Ray teased me good-naturedly, teasing which overlaid his deep concern and affection for me.

"Ray, I've been thinking."

"Yeah, what about?" he said with his mouth full - living up here had done nothing for his table manners.

"When are you planning to return to Tulita?"

"A month or so. Why?"

"Well, as I can now walk, and am not such a burden, I think it's a good time for me to visit Maggie - I mean, stay with her until I can go back to work."

He stopped eating then and stared at me. "Fraser, Maggie's baby is a week old - she can't cope with you, a husband and three kids. You know that."

"She said she could. And you know, I think I'd like to go sooner than in a month."

He started forking the rest of his stew into his mouth at a great rate as if he could stop listening to me over the sound of his chewing. But then he asked. "How soon?"

"Next week. If that's all right."

"Sure. Whatever." He resumed eating as if my decision was of no importance,

"There's something else. I wonder if you might like to visit your parents, or your brother, for a few months."

He put his fork aside. "Fraser - what the fuck is going on with you? My brother and me didn't speak when we lived in the same house - why do you think he would want to see me just cos I don't live in the same country any more? You sound like you're trying to get rid of me."

"It's just that I think that perhaps after ten years, you might want to consider moving on from here."

"You want me to leave? How long have you been thinking that?"

He was startled and working up to angry. "For a while," I lied. "You know, it's about time you started to think about your future."

"This is my future, Fraser. You're talking about my life."

"This isn't a real life for you - it's a holding pattern. Out there are people, women - opportunities. You should go and explore them."

"I wondered how long it would take," he muttered.

"Excuse me?"

He waved his hand and didn't elaborate. "Next week's fine - it'll give you time to get the dogs a new place."

He stood up and took his plate to the kitchen, then walked into the living room and sat in the chair, absorbed in his own thoughts. I should have been pleased, I suppose. There, it was done. So easy as it turned out. It was for the best, I told myself - he would thank me in years to come. He would still be my friend - I would see him again some day. Yes, that had to be so, because the alternative.... no, not that.

I realised I was looking at my uneaten meal through eyes that were blinded by tears, and I needed to be alone. I stood up and tried to walk to the bedroom so I could claim a little privacy, but I had forgotten Diefenbaker. I tripped over him and fell heavily to the floor, pain shooting through my body, half winding myself. Ray was at my side in a flash - I could hear Dief yipping - I hoped I had not hurt him but I could not give him any attention just then.

"Fraser! Shit - are you hurt?" I felt him trying to straighten my legs and arms so he could check them, but he couldn't see my heart and that was where the pain was, not in the minor bruises I had acquired. Finally he pulled me into his arms. "Dammit - you're killing me. Don't - whatever's wrong, we can fix it. I promise."

"Don't leave," I choked out.

"I won't. I'll look after you until you go."

"No... don't leave me. Not ever."

This was nonsense of course after what I had just forced on him, but he just held me. "I won't, Ben. It's OK."

He held me quietly until the pain eased and I was less tense.

"You want to tell me what's really going on here?" he asked gently. "You don't want me to go, but you're trying to make me. You can't hardly walk but you want to go to a noisy crowded little house rather than be here and let me look after you. None of it makes sense, Fraser."

"I'm sorry. Just ... that woman," I burst out.

"What woman?" He was genuinely puzzled.

"The ... the dancing woman. Tulita."

Light dawned. "You mean Angela? What the hell has she got to do with anything?"

"I thought - well, she's the first woman ... Ray, you should get married."

"To _Angela_? Fraser, she's eighty years old. She's Fred's mum, for god's sake."

"You don't want to marry her?" I knew I sounded deranged but thinking was not my strong suit at that point.

"Not last time I looked. Is that what this is all about? You're worried about my love life?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice. He stroked my hand. "Let me tell you a few facts, Fraser. One, I get plenty of opportunities. You haven't been up here much in the tourist season. Trust me. You get a lot of horny women who think a beat up ex-Chicago cop sounds just right for a holiday fuck. Two. Horny women ain't my thing. I tried it once or twice and I can take it or leave it. Three. I've never been sorry for a second that I'm here. And you know damn well what it'll do to me if you make me go."

That started me off again. "Don't go, Ray, please don't." I was so glad at that moment my father had gone - if he'd seen me like this, I'd have never heard the end of it.

He squeezed me a little in reassurance. "Not gonna. Anyway, what would I want to get married for? I got you."

I pulled away and looked at him. "Ray - it's not the same."

"Oh yeah? I love you, look after you - you support me, you spend all your free time with me. You let me hold you when you're hurting. It's not like my marriage was, that's for sure - it's better."

"Except for the sex."

"Yeah, well, that's no big deal," he said in a joking way, but his arms tightened around me. And at that moment I realised that I'd been fooling myself for ten years, and it was time to stop.

"Ray. I have something to tell you, but before I do, I want you to know - this will always be your home. My will ensures that."

"Thank you kindly, Fraser," he teased gently. "So what's the big news?"

"I love you."

"I know."

"No, I'm in love with you. Like a lover."

"I know."

"What?"

"I know. I've known for ten years more or less. Me too."

"All this time?"

"Yup. You don't think I hug all the guys I know, do you?"

"I don't know. I thought you and I were just close. Ray - I didn't even know I was in love with you until five minutes ago."

"Well, that's cos you're just dumb. I know you said you loved me like a brother - but you ain't got a brother. I do - and trust me, you love me way more than he did."

"But why didn't you say anything - you let me take advantage of you, keep you here for my convenience to look after the cabin, me ..."

"Treated me like a sex toy, tied me to the bed .... For chrissakes, Fraser - you saved my life. You gave me a choice no one else would've. And if anyone took advantage, it was me."

He was still holding me to his chest, and I could feel the steady whump, whump of his strong heart. "What about children?"

"What about 'em? What about you? You love kids too."

"I love you. I need you more. But you mustn't let my feelings stop you from finding a wife."

"Ben ... if I were a woman, would you be telling me to find someone else?"

"No - I'd ask you to marry me," I said without hesitation. "I'd have married you ten years ago."

"So why don't ya? They changed the law five years ago."

"Because.... because it's not fair on you."

"Oh, right. I can see that. I mean, it is just such a fucking hardship having a big buff Mountie around who loves me and treats me better than anyone in my whole life. I can really see how I might want to go and screw up my life by finding a Stella clone and marrying her and getting divorced all over again."

"Ah. I see your point. I have to say that from my own point of view, I could never hope to find a better mate - of either sex."

"Then shut up. And let me do this."

Ray was the first person to kiss me in a non-platonic way in over a decade and I knew he would be the last person to ever do so. We both tried to express years of need, of love, with that simple act and so it was quite a while before we broke apart. "Ten wasted years," I murmured.

"Not wasted at all, Ben."

"We could have been together...."

He put his finger on my lips. "No. Look, we better be clear. You're a Mountie - you gotta go where you need to be. There's nowhere else I want to be - I wouldn't go with you to White Horse, and I'm not going with you now. Nothing has to change - except this," he said gently, kissing me again.

"But Ray - my quarters - I have a house..."

"You have a home here. So do I. Ben ... please don't make me leave. I've only kept things together this long because you gave me a safe quiet place to live. I told you that the old Ray Kowalski died in that attack - the new one doesn't like towns. You go, you come back. Same as you've been doing."

"I could try and get a transfer to Tulita, or Norman Wells."

"That would be good, Ben. I'm not a masochist - I like you being around. And anyway, you got a long way to go before you have the choice."

"And now?"

"And now we stop dancing around and sleep together like I wished we'd done from day one - from the day I hugged you in Tulita."

Now I could kiss him, I couldn't stop. I wanted to taste him - my forgotten appetite had returned, but I was hungry only for him. But then I remembered who I was with. "Ray - what about sex? You said you weren't interested in those women... and the rape. We never talked about it."

He sighed deeply. "I don't know. But we got time ... or will that make a difference?" The assurance he had shown suddenly deserted him, and he was now worried and uncertain. It was my turn to reassure him.

"Not at all. Ever. All I want, all I need, is you to be with me. The rest can wait forever as far as I'm concerned."

"I love you, Ben. I'll love you for the rest of my life."

"I know. Me too."

I don't know what was the strongest emotion that night as we lay together for the first time - happiness that at last we were together the way we were meant to be, or regret that it had taken so long for us to come together. Actually, I do know. What I felt more than anything else was peace. Peace and unmitigated, pure and unspeakable joy.

 

* * *

Nothing changed much. Well, everything did of course. Now we both knew what the smiles and the hugs and the touches meant, what they always had done. But apart from that, apart from sharing a way too narrow a bed at night, we carried on the same. Ben still had a lot of healing to do and I couldn't let him slack off even though now he could try and distract me with kisses as well as bitching. We still argued as much as ever over stuff - it wasn't like we were two different people all of a sudden. But it meant we had finally accepted that we had a future together and that what we had going was the real deal and not just some nutty compromise we knocked together because I was too damaged to cope.

Sex was a non-starter for a long time. I didn't want to much and Ben couldn't very often - the nerve damage was too extensive. We both thought it was ironic that when we could've, we didn't want to, and now we wanted to, we couldn't. All we usually did was kiss and cuddle with the occasional hot and heavy hand job thrown in - but you know, that was fine, and we could say a hell of a lot to each with a massage. I thought I was never going to be intimate with anyone again, and now I had it on tap. Ben felt the same. Sometimes it might been nice to go that bit further but for us, the friendship was what held us together through everything, and that was what mattered now.

Apart from him slowly getting better, two things changed. After Ben had been back for nine months, and it looked as if he was really going to return to work, we flew to Inuvik - the first time I'd left the area in nearly eleven years. With Maggie and her family watching, we tied the knot. It mattered to Ben more than me - rings were never going to change how I felt about him - but he wanted to make sure that if anything happened to him, I was looked after with pensions and stuff. Maggie wasn't real sure about it all, but she'd got used to me being around and it didn't make a lot of difference to her relationship with Ben.

Two months after we flew home, Dief died. We'd been expecting it for a while - he was seventeen, old for a dog, but he just went on and on. Never actually sick, just a little more frail, a little more senile, quieter, spending more time inside as time went on. And then one day, as the ice was starting to melt, I found him, curled up in the snow like he was asleep. We think his heart just gave out. I knelt by him for an hour and cried like a baby until Ben found me. We sat together with him and held each other, then I got a shovel and dug a grave for him. Ben carved a marker for it. Neither of us talked about getting another dog - well, we had the sled animals but they weren't the same. You can't replace someone like Dief.

That made Ben itchy - worried about leaving me on my own. I knew I would miss Dief a hell of a lot, and that Ben going would be harder than normal. But I also knew I'd survived just about the worst thing that can happen to a person - so I 'd survive this. I told Ben that and finally he accepted it. By then he was fit. He'd been given a year off and was going to take all of it, for me, but he could have returned to work then and there. We made plans for the future - we wanted to add a room to the cabin, and Ben wanted to install a fancy solar heating system. Neither of us wanted to have electricity - we were something of a local joke because of it. But holding the man you love by lamplight, by firelight, has a magic of its own, and we knew what we were doing. We did get a telephone though.

Ben went back to work in White Horse but immediately started looking for a post closer to me. I got on with making the changes to the cabin we wanted. I missed him. For the first time since I made the decision to stay, I was sometimes lonely. So I started to write. Big joke, eh? Ray Kowalski, writing. At first I wrote about us, just in a journal. Then I started to write about the area, and I sent a few pieces to the local newspaper. Some got published. I even got paid a little every so often. But the main thing was the writing. And just going on with life.

Two years after Ben went back to work, my father died. Mom joined him six months later. I hadn't seen them since I came up here, although we wrote all the time, and I would call every week or so. My brother and me never wrote or spoke, and that suited me. He wouldn't approve of me and Ben anyway. Dad had some insurance which meant I could add something finally to the cost of me being up here. Ben was still the main source of income but it had been a long time since I really minded. I did start keeping a few extra dogs for people in the winter - that helped with the cost of keeping our own.

Finally he wangled that transfer to Tulita which meant I got to see him every ten days or so in all but the worst weather. That was bliss. He already decided he would retire at 55, which was only five years away. If we were lucky, he would be able to stay at Tulita until he retired.We figured once he was at the cabin full-time then I could get some work in Tulita guiding and that sort of thing - I got offers all the time, but I couldn't leave the dogs.

We celebrated his return by buying an outsize double bed - the shipping cost a fortune but it was worth it. We put it in the new extension which caught the sun and had its own toilet - Ben joked it was for when we got old and feeble. He was fully fit again and I stayed in shape, but there were no getting away from the fact we were getting older. But we still sledded and hunted and skied. The time when we were each crippled in our own way was a long time past.

 

* * *

Today is Ben's last day as a Mountie. He finished work a week ago and took leave. It's September, eighteen and a half years since we went after Muldoon, seven and half years since we were married. And now he will be with me for good. The years have been kinder to him than he had a right to expect with the damn fool risks he took, and I haven't had a day's illness in eighteen years. It's all that keeping away from people with bugs that does it. He's finally given into temptation and accepted a puppy as a farewell gift from the local Inuit people in Tulita - I refused to let him call her by the name of a dead Canadian prime minister, so he got his own back by calling her Lady Shoes. I told him if I catch him kissing that animal, he'll be sleeping in the shed.

He's been chopping wood and smells all sweaty and manly when he comes in and hugs me - in other words he stinks. "Ben, go and wash, will ya? You're worse than the dogs."

"I haven't yet taken to rolling in manure, Ray."

"No, but I bet the only reason is that you'd rather lick it."

"I'd rather lick _you,_ " he growls.

He puts his arms around me and I lean into him. Stink or no stink, I never get tired of him holding me. Or holding him. I turn and kiss him, long and deep, taking my time. We've got all the time in the world now.

"Ray, my dearest love - I have a confession to make."

"You've got a crush on Fred."

"Nope."

"Um, you drink juice out of the carton?"

"Nope - well, yes, but that's not it."

"Well, I can't guess. What?"

"That beard of yours doesn't suit you, I'm afraid."

I rub my chin over his face and he backs away laughing. "Wondered how long it would take you to complain. To tell the truth, I don't much like it - but that razor of yours needs a new blade."

"I'll sort that out - anything to get rid of this."

"You're just jealous because you can't grow one yourself."

"Trust me, Ray - I could never be jealous of that. What are you making? You seem to be going to a lot of trouble."

"Yeah well, celebration thingie, you know. You getting sprung."

"Ah. Well, I better get washed."

OK. I've known this man for over twenty years, and that was him changing the subject. I put the duck on to bake and wait for him to come out of the bathroom. "What's wrong, Fraser?"

"Nothing, Ray. Why do you ask?"

"You went all weird on me. Is it you leaving the RCMP?"

He comes and kneels between my legs and puts his head on my stomach. "Not really - I suppose I'd actually just forgotten what day it was, and you reminded me, that's all."

"You know, it's all right to mind a little - you've been a Mountie for thirty five years. It's a long time."

"Yes, it is. And I don't regret leaving, not really - you know that the job was more paperwork than anything else. No, I suppose I'm just marking the end of an era. I've wanted to be with you for a long time, and now here we are."

I slide off the chair and wrap my arms around him. "You gave me a new life nearly nineteen years ago, Ben. Today is the first day of your new life. I'm going to do everything I can to make it good for you."

"You already do, Ray. You don't have to change a thing. Just be. Just keep going on. That's all I ever wanted, and all I'll ever want."

"You too, Ben. We're partners. We started this together, that's how we'll finish it."

Lady comes and lies by us, as we sit quietly. I know he's thinking about the past, about Dief, about the people we've known and loved and lost. And about me. And I'm thinking about him. About how the day a red-suited lunatic came into my life, measuring my nose, making me eat putty and damn near getting me killed. I knew that day that life was sure going to be different from then on. And it was. And it is. This is Ray, not complaining at all.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written nearly twenty years ago under another pseudonym. It hasn't been revised since then.
> 
> I am posting this and my other stories from this period purely so people can read them if they choose. I won't be reading comments, and don't care if you leave kudos. I'm dumping them and running.
> 
> Having said that, I worked hard on them, and I hope they still entertain someone out there.


End file.
